Demetri Martin.

WhoreHead

Kolejny z moich ulubionych stand-upowców.
Laughing

* "Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time."

* "I think they named the orange before the carrot."

* "I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' "Dude, these are isotopes." "Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine." "Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize.""

* "I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: "Hope I don't get chased today.""

* "I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought "that is cool." But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought "that is not cool". Then I figured it out: it's all about leather sleeves."

* "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live" or "It's a boy."

* "I think it's interesting that "cologne" rhymes with "alone.""

* "Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: "What is that? *sniff* muffins!""

* "I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such...a specific item. I don't know that many words and I'm going out...and I have pants. Perfect!"

* "I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale."

* "I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable."

* "When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults."

* "I like baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like "Huh?", but if it's in a basket you're like "Nice."

* "I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?'"

* "I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says "go outside.""

* "I like parties, but I don't like pinatas. Because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzaz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did."

* "If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half."

* "People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar. And that is: when I am driving towards them in my car."

* "Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore."

* "Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see."

* "Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral."

* "They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What's his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time."

* "One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?? ...or Carnival?? ...Carburetor!?!? man...

* "Cotton balls is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. Cinnamon buns, on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. "Are you Cinnamon Buns?" "You bet your sweet ass I am.""

* "I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word "fort-night""

* "I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'"

* "I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eye brows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy."

* "I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here.'"

* "I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, 'Here's to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do... but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'"

* "I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible arguement and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad."

* "I noticed that there are no b-batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?!?' 'B-batteries!!!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, i would like de batteries.'"

* "I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over..."

* "If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk. (I'm awkward.)"

* "A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' 'Those are trees...' 'Trust me.'"

* "I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying 'I'm standing right behind you.'
Laughing